I think most people have a need or desire to be loved. Or perhaps it's more of a desire to be wanted. Perhaps both. I know for me it's a bit of both. I need it.
From birth I've moved around a lot. I've lived in Arizona; Pennsylvania; South Carolina; Coltsneck, New Jersey; Christiansburg, Virginia; Mississippi; Newport News, Virginia; and now I go back and forth between Flemington and Princeton, New Jersey (with frequent visits to New York City, New York and various places in Pennsylvania). Technically I live with my cousins in New Jersey, but my family lives in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Gotta love being a Navy brat.
This lifestyle has been a bit tough on my emotions. I didn't have many opportunities to become part of the community or to make many friends. I never got involved in sports (besides the short spurts of baseball, soccer, martial arts, cross country, or swimming). And after the third or fourth time saying goodbye to everyone I thought of as a friend, I sorta just gave up being really close to people. It hurts too much.
I could always rely on my mom and my sisters (and now my brother) to be there. I love my dad. He's always been a support (though occasionally a rough one—silly straight men feel the need to show off their buff muscles on their poor, innocent children who obviously could not defend themselves [love you, dad]), but early in my childhood he was away a lot. I think I missed out on something there.
Even so, I tended to shy away from physical contact and statements of affection. My friends were more acquaintances then actual friends. I didn't make real friends until late in high school. With only a couple exceptions, my life-long friends and life-long colleagues are the ones I've made in college. I can honestly say that I love my real friends with all my heart.
There is another kind of love, though, that I have found particularly difficult to pursue. In high school I had two "boyfriends." One was extremely short-lived because our schedules clashed horribly. Sad, really... he was a good guy. The other was very cute. A little young for me, but we got along really well and we had a lot of fun. Left him for college. I can't say I loved either of them because I didn't get to know either of them on that level.
In college, I have "liked" a few people to a mild degree. I have liked a few others to a stronger degree. But in the end, I have only fallen in love once. That is where I am now. I am in love with a guy I don't know how to get. I love a guy who probably has no idea I even think of him beyond friend. Will he read this? I hope so. Will he know it's about him? Who knows.... I just know I go to bed alone.
.....
I dream about him sometimes. Not the creepy sex dreams. No... I dream about being held forever. I dream that he loves me the way I love him. I dream that he wants me the way I want him.
I dream that one day I have the guts to say something. And I dream that I'm good enough to be loved in return.
I think I've fallen in love with you. Let's do dinner some time? movie?
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." --eden ahbez
