No matter how hard I try, I find it utterly impossible to hold a grudge. I don't think, in the entirety of my life, that I have been able to be angry at someone for more than a day, two at the most. It comes down to whether or not I want to sleep at night. If there is anything wrong—I'm sad about something, someone upset me, I got angry at someone/something/myself, or if I'm just frustrated—I cannot sleep. It's terribly inconvenient, because it seems to happen a lot in college. Once sleep hits me, I'm dead until my alarm goes off. Getting to sleep seems to be the issue….
In relation to grudges, I either have to give up and just forgive and forget or I will spend the entire night rolling around angry at the world. Everything will be a distraction from what is generally a deep and dreamless slumber.
Sometimes, though, it really isn't fair that I can't just stay angry at someone for a while. There is a certain satisfaction gleaned from being mad at someone who knows and acknowledges that you are mad at them. How short-lived is this satisfaction if it only lasts until my head hits the pillow…. What can I do, though? I consistently wake up happy for the day, and ready for good things to transpire. I know that I have amazing friends who have never drifted from me or left my thoughts for an instant—some older, some made fewer than six months ago. It is probably this knowledge and the knowledge that at the end of the day, it will all go away and I will rest and awake joyous that keeps me from being an angry person. This is not to say that the majority of my emotions are positive, but that generally I start my day quite content. It is only the occurrences of the day that alter this state of emotions. Some people like drama where drama is clearly unneeded. It is their prerogative to disturb the balance of goodness and happiness. It must be a terribly unfortunate affliction to be one of these people….
At the end of the day, though, how can I be angry? How could I in good conscience (and for my own peace of mind) allow myself to hold any kind of angst against someone? I can't. And even if at the time I really want to just be mad, I won't. Forgive and forget… a motto to live by. It certainly allows me to smile more. People should try it more often.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The Little Things
I recently had the pleasure of watching a great video on youtube called Katrina Kenison - The Gift of an Ordinary Day. It's a woman speaking from her book by the same name. It is incredibly heartwarming and actually brought a tear to my eye. The book is about how as one's children grow up and move out, one begins to realize that it wasn't the photographed, posed, picture-framed memories that made all of those years special. It was the little things, the memories that "no one thought to photograph" that made the time amazing.
This made me think about my childhood and what I considered special and what I knew I would remember forever. It wasn't the vacations or the expensive Christmases or the extravagantly planned birthdays, but the times when we were just playing with each other or hanging out together. There was nothing special about these times, but they are truly what made my life as a kid.
This is a rather short post, as it's really only a reminder to myself and whoever reads this to cherish those moments that aren't "special." Embrace the times when you are with the people you care about, whether or not you are "doing something." Love the present and don't worry so much about what happened in the past, or where you fear the future might be going.
This made me think about my childhood and what I considered special and what I knew I would remember forever. It wasn't the vacations or the expensive Christmases or the extravagantly planned birthdays, but the times when we were just playing with each other or hanging out together. There was nothing special about these times, but they are truly what made my life as a kid.
This is a rather short post, as it's really only a reminder to myself and whoever reads this to cherish those moments that aren't "special." Embrace the times when you are with the people you care about, whether or not you are "doing something." Love the present and don't worry so much about what happened in the past, or where you fear the future might be going.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Perception of Perfection
I believe there is an innate desire in most people to achieve. While not everyone has the drive to better themselves, the vast majority of the people I have come across in my life (not that I have many years to boast) seem to desire to be better at something. They strive for the best grades, they practice endlessly to be the best at singing or playing the piano or playing the violin, they study constantly to insure they master the material, they inquire and research so they can have a broad knowledge base from which to pull. One can almost say it is a competition between the person and his or her peers, or, even better, between a person and his or her self.
Everyone who falls into the self-improvement category has to have a goal they intend to reach. Whether that is to be better than they are currently, or whether it is to be better than everyone around them is really a matter of personality. It is my firm belief that the broad categories of "type A" and "type B" personalities cannot possibly cover all of the mindsets of all of the people. At the same time, one can very loosely cover most people with these labels.
I, personally, fall into the "type A" category. Some days I feel as if this is an unfortunate affliction that prevents me from enjoying my life quite as much as I should. At the same time, I see it is a great thing that keeps me motivated to be successful in school and in life.
I have a constant need to feel like I'm doing something. I am somewhat of a perfectionist, so any work I do, I do with as much precision and accuracy as possible. I have a strong desire to learn about pretty much anything. I love all kinds of music and all kinds of instruments and all kinds of people because they are all interesting in their own respects.
On the other side of the "type A" spectrum, I have very low confidence in myself. And when I fail at something, I fail hard (particularly if I failed because of stupid mistakes rather than an actual lack of knowledge). A lack of knowledge I can deal with. I can learn more. I can practice more. I can study more. I can pay more attention. Stupid, careless errors, on the other hand are a product of my need for speed, pardon the expression. Since the beginning of school, I've had to change my entire mindset on practicing. "SLOW IT DOWN," I keep telling myself. And to my constant disbelief, I find that things come out so much better that way. Continuing on the previous train of thought, my low confidence puts me in a very tough position. I don't pursue many opportunities because I don't believe I could possibly be good enough to make it. It took every friend I had to convince me to try out for my first musical my Junior year in high school—my first legitimate solo performance. Fortunately, I've gained a bit more confidence in my abilities as a performer, so trying out for solos and choirs and other things is much easier. Unfortunately, this doesn't correlate to confidence in other areas. I will maintain a crush on someone for months and never do anything about it unless someone else forces me to (besides this obvious allusion to said crush). I will know an answer to a question in class and not speak up for fear of being wrong.
It's crippling in practice, and I do not recommend it.
Recently, my confidence was struck by a less-than-satisfactory grade on a Theory quiz. I don't do bad grades. That's a no-no. And yet, there it was. Besides the fact that I despise the teacher's teaching-style (TANGENTS AND BANKING), a bad grade means to me that I am not good enough. That I am less than I should be. This point-of-view SUCKS. I know it's not true, and yet I can't help feeling that way about the whole situation. Fortunately, my glorious friends, whose mere presence provides me with a comfort and joy indescribable in a blog post, are always there for me.
Whew, what a tangent! There is a point to this rather lengthy post, I promise.
The meaning of the title:
Everyone has a perception of perfection, so to speak. What I mean is, everyone looks at the world differently, and those who strive for "perfection" all view it [perfection] differently. My view of perfection is to be my own best. Unfortunately, I tend to base my best off of my peers' best, rather than comparing it to where I have come from. I'm working on it, though.
As we grow older, we will come across many, many others who will be greater than we are in many aspects. At Westminster, in particular, there is so much talent in so many people. In so many ways, I am honored to have this experience. At the same time, this raises my personal bar. I knew leaving high school that I was no longer going to be "the best." I'm not the best vocalist, I'm not the best pianist, I'm not the smartest or most driven. But I'm certainly going to try to be.
Two days ago, this was going to be a long, pathetic rant about how I suck at life and I fail at everything I try to do because I don't have the confidence to do it well. Now, gladly, this is a post about how despite my own imperfections (and my occasionally unfortunate affliction of a personality) I'm going to continue to strive to be better at everything I do. I'm also going to attempt to be more confident with everything I do. Currently, this means more assertively pursuing what I want—or more specifically, who I want. :-)
I think this is a long enough post, and I hope that anyone who actually took the time to read it got something out of it. I try to be clear in my thoughts with these things, but it's not an essay or anything, so I'm not going to go back and make sure all of my points were covered or that my logic isn't flawed. Lol.
Everyone who falls into the self-improvement category has to have a goal they intend to reach. Whether that is to be better than they are currently, or whether it is to be better than everyone around them is really a matter of personality. It is my firm belief that the broad categories of "type A" and "type B" personalities cannot possibly cover all of the mindsets of all of the people. At the same time, one can very loosely cover most people with these labels.
I, personally, fall into the "type A" category. Some days I feel as if this is an unfortunate affliction that prevents me from enjoying my life quite as much as I should. At the same time, I see it is a great thing that keeps me motivated to be successful in school and in life.
I have a constant need to feel like I'm doing something. I am somewhat of a perfectionist, so any work I do, I do with as much precision and accuracy as possible. I have a strong desire to learn about pretty much anything. I love all kinds of music and all kinds of instruments and all kinds of people because they are all interesting in their own respects.
On the other side of the "type A" spectrum, I have very low confidence in myself. And when I fail at something, I fail hard (particularly if I failed because of stupid mistakes rather than an actual lack of knowledge). A lack of knowledge I can deal with. I can learn more. I can practice more. I can study more. I can pay more attention. Stupid, careless errors, on the other hand are a product of my need for speed, pardon the expression. Since the beginning of school, I've had to change my entire mindset on practicing. "SLOW IT DOWN," I keep telling myself. And to my constant disbelief, I find that things come out so much better that way. Continuing on the previous train of thought, my low confidence puts me in a very tough position. I don't pursue many opportunities because I don't believe I could possibly be good enough to make it. It took every friend I had to convince me to try out for my first musical my Junior year in high school—my first legitimate solo performance. Fortunately, I've gained a bit more confidence in my abilities as a performer, so trying out for solos and choirs and other things is much easier. Unfortunately, this doesn't correlate to confidence in other areas. I will maintain a crush on someone for months and never do anything about it unless someone else forces me to (besides this obvious allusion to said crush). I will know an answer to a question in class and not speak up for fear of being wrong.
It's crippling in practice, and I do not recommend it.
Recently, my confidence was struck by a less-than-satisfactory grade on a Theory quiz. I don't do bad grades. That's a no-no. And yet, there it was. Besides the fact that I despise the teacher's teaching-style (TANGENTS AND BANKING), a bad grade means to me that I am not good enough. That I am less than I should be. This point-of-view SUCKS. I know it's not true, and yet I can't help feeling that way about the whole situation. Fortunately, my glorious friends, whose mere presence provides me with a comfort and joy indescribable in a blog post, are always there for me.
Whew, what a tangent! There is a point to this rather lengthy post, I promise.
The meaning of the title:
Everyone has a perception of perfection, so to speak. What I mean is, everyone looks at the world differently, and those who strive for "perfection" all view it [perfection] differently. My view of perfection is to be my own best. Unfortunately, I tend to base my best off of my peers' best, rather than comparing it to where I have come from. I'm working on it, though.
As we grow older, we will come across many, many others who will be greater than we are in many aspects. At Westminster, in particular, there is so much talent in so many people. In so many ways, I am honored to have this experience. At the same time, this raises my personal bar. I knew leaving high school that I was no longer going to be "the best." I'm not the best vocalist, I'm not the best pianist, I'm not the smartest or most driven. But I'm certainly going to try to be.
Two days ago, this was going to be a long, pathetic rant about how I suck at life and I fail at everything I try to do because I don't have the confidence to do it well. Now, gladly, this is a post about how despite my own imperfections (and my occasionally unfortunate affliction of a personality) I'm going to continue to strive to be better at everything I do. I'm also going to attempt to be more confident with everything I do. Currently, this means more assertively pursuing what I want—or more specifically, who I want. :-)
I think this is a long enough post, and I hope that anyone who actually took the time to read it got something out of it. I try to be clear in my thoughts with these things, but it's not an essay or anything, so I'm not going to go back and make sure all of my points were covered or that my logic isn't flawed. Lol.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Introspection After a Long Day
It has been a very long day, as every Wednesday this semester will be.
I lie awake in bed, contemplating life yet again...introspecting, if you will. At the moment, all I wish is to fall asleep, so I can have a good night tonight and a better day tomorrow. This is not going to be the case because I can't sleep when my mind isn't settled. The people I would normally talk to about this are all busy. So, I go to my old friend, upon whose presence I can always count: my blog. I can tell my blog anything and never receive a negative judgment in return. I can trust that I'll be heard out, however long it takes me to say what I want to say. The only thing I can't expect is comfort. Thank goodness for fleece blankets.
So much is running through my mind right now. It's tying my stomach into knots. If I didn't have a vocal career to think about, I would be in a practice room working on my comfort composition—one I started when I was rather depressed, and which I work on whenever I'm in a mood—belting out whatever emotion is preventing my rest.
I'm thinking about the past. There is so much I regret not doing. So many times when, if I had had the courage, I could have done something I really wanted to do. My lack of confidence (socially, mostly, but in other areas as well) has plagued me all my life. I didn't have real friends until junior year in high school because I was too shy to introduce myself or talk to people before they talked to me. I didn't do anything performance-wise (besides choir) until late in high school either. I doubted my abilities, my ideas, my looks, my intellect, etc. to the point where I literally spent the majority of my time in school, studying, or volunteering as an administrator for a now-huge online non-prof organization.
I'm thinking about today. I don't know exactly how I'm going to make it through this semester, let alone the next 6 or so. I'm going to be struggling...seemingly alone in the hopes that it'll all be better one day. On top of this, I still have to force myself to break away from my shy, rather meek outward personality. This is probably the worst thing I deal with from day to day. A lack of confidence in myself automatically makes everything my fault. If something doesn't work out, it's because I'm not good enough. If I get a low grade, it's because I'm not good enough. If plans fall through with a friend, it's because I'm not good enough. If I sing a run wrong, it's because I'm not good enough. Why do I think this? Good question. The only thing, I think, that keeps me sane is the fact that I know I can sing. I have a vocal talent and I have a good voice. Other than that, what have I got? I'm mediocre at theory. I suck at history. I'm decent with diction. I'm too shy to talk to the guy I like—who, as far as i know, has no idea I like him.
I'm thinking about tomorrow. I have a theory lab I'm unprepared for. I have readings to do for class. I have a job. I'm still struggling with myself personally. What the hell am I doing? Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe I'll feel renewed energy towards self-improvement. Maybe I'll have more confidence in myself. Maybe not. Who knows.
Will I ever be good enough? My damn type-A personality says no. No matter what I accomplish, I'm never going to feel like it was enough. But when I really think about what I want right now—perhaps my goals are skewed, but—I don't think about my long-term future. I don't think about singing. I don't think about composing. I don't think about being the best at something. I don't think about getting good grades, or making a good impression, or changing the world. I think about how all I want is someone to hold me and tell me they love me. And mean it in the same way I do every time I say those words.
Maybe now, after writing out my feelings, I'll be able to sleep... it's going to be a long night, I think. Goodnight.
I lie awake in bed, contemplating life yet again...introspecting, if you will. At the moment, all I wish is to fall asleep, so I can have a good night tonight and a better day tomorrow. This is not going to be the case because I can't sleep when my mind isn't settled. The people I would normally talk to about this are all busy. So, I go to my old friend, upon whose presence I can always count: my blog. I can tell my blog anything and never receive a negative judgment in return. I can trust that I'll be heard out, however long it takes me to say what I want to say. The only thing I can't expect is comfort. Thank goodness for fleece blankets.
So much is running through my mind right now. It's tying my stomach into knots. If I didn't have a vocal career to think about, I would be in a practice room working on my comfort composition—one I started when I was rather depressed, and which I work on whenever I'm in a mood—belting out whatever emotion is preventing my rest.
I'm thinking about the past. There is so much I regret not doing. So many times when, if I had had the courage, I could have done something I really wanted to do. My lack of confidence (socially, mostly, but in other areas as well) has plagued me all my life. I didn't have real friends until junior year in high school because I was too shy to introduce myself or talk to people before they talked to me. I didn't do anything performance-wise (besides choir) until late in high school either. I doubted my abilities, my ideas, my looks, my intellect, etc. to the point where I literally spent the majority of my time in school, studying, or volunteering as an administrator for a now-huge online non-prof organization.
I'm thinking about today. I don't know exactly how I'm going to make it through this semester, let alone the next 6 or so. I'm going to be struggling...seemingly alone in the hopes that it'll all be better one day. On top of this, I still have to force myself to break away from my shy, rather meek outward personality. This is probably the worst thing I deal with from day to day. A lack of confidence in myself automatically makes everything my fault. If something doesn't work out, it's because I'm not good enough. If I get a low grade, it's because I'm not good enough. If plans fall through with a friend, it's because I'm not good enough. If I sing a run wrong, it's because I'm not good enough. Why do I think this? Good question. The only thing, I think, that keeps me sane is the fact that I know I can sing. I have a vocal talent and I have a good voice. Other than that, what have I got? I'm mediocre at theory. I suck at history. I'm decent with diction. I'm too shy to talk to the guy I like—who, as far as i know, has no idea I like him.
I'm thinking about tomorrow. I have a theory lab I'm unprepared for. I have readings to do for class. I have a job. I'm still struggling with myself personally. What the hell am I doing? Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe I'll feel renewed energy towards self-improvement. Maybe I'll have more confidence in myself. Maybe not. Who knows.
Will I ever be good enough? My damn type-A personality says no. No matter what I accomplish, I'm never going to feel like it was enough. But when I really think about what I want right now—perhaps my goals are skewed, but—I don't think about my long-term future. I don't think about singing. I don't think about composing. I don't think about being the best at something. I don't think about getting good grades, or making a good impression, or changing the world. I think about how all I want is someone to hold me and tell me they love me. And mean it in the same way I do every time I say those words.
Maybe now, after writing out my feelings, I'll be able to sleep... it's going to be a long night, I think. Goodnight.
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