Baring My Soul

"To the world I can open my heart up in a second...but to someone close...it takes a while."

-- @TeensInLove on Twitter

"'How true, yes how true,' said the Sour Kangaroo."

-- Seussical, Jr.

Ok.  Done with the quotes...

This is in part based on the post I wrote before this one, Somebody.  It is also based on my life in general.  In Somebody, I basically expressed my undying love for someone who doesn't know I love him.  Even though our relationship is nothing beyond basic friendship at the moment, he makes me smile when I see him.  He makes me feel special even though that's probably not at all what he's intending to do.  It's so hard to talk to him because...well, to be cliché, he is constantly taking my breath away (I definitely stole that from either @TeensInLove or "cute texts from out of the blue").

For some reason, it wasn't difficult to write that out on my blog.  It was, at times, troublesome coming up with how I wanted to say something or how I could make my ideas flow into something readable and understandable.  But the act of writing it and clicking "Publish Post" was simple and was only mildly uncomfortable.

Why, then, is it so damned difficult to do this in person?  Why can't I just walk up to him and say, "hey.  I think you're cute.  I really like you and I think we should do dinner some time."

My theory is that it is because he matters to me.  His opinion matters to me.  His presence in my life matters to me.  While remaining "just friends" means I won't ever get more than that, it also means he'll always be there.  If I told him I like him, what if he responds negatively?  Could I deal with being just friends, knowing full well that he knows I like him?  I think so, if I'm following my own advice.  But then, what if he feels awkward around me afterward?  I potentially could cause the end of our friendship and forever more be known as "that guy who liked me."  But you, my dear readers (however few of you there are), I am not afraid of losing.  I can tell you all of my secrets.  I can tell you about every embarrassing thing I've ever done.  At the end of the day, though, none of that matters between friends.  When you're more than a friend, though... that's when it matters.  That's when I become careful and nervous.  I may constantly seem frazzled or lost because I'm thinking about how to be impressive for you...how to make you want me.

But this post isn't about him.  Although it seems like it, it's just about how easy it is to bare my soul to the world, but harder than anything else to just talk to someone already close to my soul.

Somebody

I think most people have a need or desire to be loved. Or perhaps it's more of a desire to be wanted. Perhaps both. I know for me it's a bit of both. I need it.

From birth I've moved around a lot. I've lived in Arizona; Pennsylvania; South Carolina; Coltsneck, New Jersey; Christiansburg, Virginia; Mississippi; Newport News, Virginia; and now I go back and forth between Flemington and Princeton, New Jersey (with frequent visits to New York City, New York and various places in Pennsylvania). Technically I live with my cousins in New Jersey, but my family lives in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Gotta love being a Navy brat.

This lifestyle has been a bit tough on my emotions. I didn't have many opportunities to become part of the community or to make many friends. I never got involved in sports (besides the short spurts of baseball, soccer, martial arts, cross country, or swimming). And after the third or fourth time saying goodbye to everyone I thought of as a friend, I sorta just gave up being really close to people. It hurts too much.

I could always rely on my mom and my sisters (and now my brother) to be there. I love my dad. He's always been a support (though occasionally a rough one—silly straight men feel the need to show off their buff muscles on their poor, innocent children who obviously could not defend themselves [love you, dad]), but early in my childhood he was away a lot. I think I missed out on something there.

Even so, I tended to shy away from physical contact and statements of affection. My friends were more acquaintances then actual friends. I didn't make real friends until late in high school. With only a couple exceptions, my life-long friends and life-long colleagues are the ones I've made in college. I can honestly say that I love my real friends with all my heart.

There is another kind of love, though, that I have found particularly difficult to pursue. In high school I had two "boyfriends." One was extremely short-lived because our schedules clashed horribly. Sad, really... he was a good guy. The other was very cute. A little young for me, but we got along really well and we had a lot of fun. Left him for college. I can't say I loved either of them because I didn't get to know either of them on that level.

In college, I have "liked" a few people to a mild degree. I have liked a few others to a stronger degree. But in the end, I have only fallen in love once. That is where I am now. I am in love with a guy I don't know how to get. I love a guy who probably has no idea I even think of him beyond friend. Will he read this? I hope so. Will he know it's about him? Who knows.... I just know I go to bed alone.

.....

I dream about him sometimes. Not the creepy sex dreams. No... I dream about being held forever. I dream that he loves me the way I love him. I dream that he wants me the way I want him.

I dream that one day I have the guts to say something. And I dream that I'm good enough to be loved in return.

I think I've fallen in love with you. Let's do dinner some time? movie?

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." --eden ahbez

A Sad Story Indeed: Reflecting on the Education System

Recently I was driving around with a friend. We stopped somewhere, rolled up the windows--with the old-style manual windows--and turned off the car. In that order. My friend says to me with a laugh, "I felt like I had to roll the window up before you turned off the car or it just wouldn't go." It was at this time that I realized, "crap. I'm doing that, too." For the majority of my life, I have been in vehicles with automatic windows, which must be rolled up while the car is on. Despite the fact that I've been driving this old-school car for a couple months now, I still roll up my windows before turning it off.

Why do I do this? Because I have been trained by my former vehicles to leave the car on until all of the windows are fully closed. It is very difficult to break the habit that this training has instilled in me.

What the heck does this have to do with the education system? This may be a teensy weensy bit of a stretch, but these two things are fundamentally similar in principal. In the same way that I learned to leave the car on because of the negative results (negative stimuli, punishment) I received when I forgot, many students learn math and science and history. The Skinner philosophy of teaching relies on a punishment/rewards system, where students who do well are rewarded and students who do not are punished.

While this ideal is dying, in favor of more student-centered ideals and a less demeaning way of looking at a students psyche, many teachers still think in this way. Many, though, don't know that they're doing it. The majority of teachers will naturally teach in the way in which they themselves learn. Or in this case, learned. So if a teacher was taught using the rewards/punishment method, he or she will likely think that's the way everyone learns or should learn.

I am currently attending Westminster Choir College (WCC) for Music Education. The teaching ideal taught at WCC is critical pedagogy. Critical pedagogy brings students to the forefront of learning, using their world and what they know as teaching devices. It is no longer all about the teacher and the pupil—the dictator and the prole. Instead, it is about everyone learning and everyone teaching. Critical thinking and dialogue are tenets of critical pedagogy. This ideal is my goal in all of my studies and in any classroom in which I teach.

Why am I talking this? Because it's important to me. The idea that students are being forced into classrooms where they are spoon fed information they don't want or need only to reiterate said information on biased, non-representative exams later is preposterous and idiotic. I love life and I love learning. Trying to incite the same passion for exploration and understanding in others is my life. My experience with the car windows has merely reminded me that conditioning is everywhere, not just in our classrooms. We must be wary of allowing ourselves to bend to the whims of the world. Analyze everything.