It has been a very long day, as every Wednesday this semester will be.
I lie awake in bed, contemplating life yet again...introspecting, if you will. At the moment, all I wish is to fall asleep, so I can have a good night tonight and a better day tomorrow. This is not going to be the case because I can't sleep when my mind isn't settled. The people I would normally talk to about this are all busy. So, I go to my old friend, upon whose presence I can always count: my blog. I can tell my blog anything and never receive a negative judgment in return. I can trust that I'll be heard out, however long it takes me to say what I want to say. The only thing I can't expect is comfort. Thank goodness for fleece blankets.
So much is running through my mind right now. It's tying my stomach into knots. If I didn't have a vocal career to think about, I would be in a practice room working on my comfort composition—one I started when I was rather depressed, and which I work on whenever I'm in a mood—belting out whatever emotion is preventing my rest.
I'm thinking about the past. There is so much I regret not doing. So many times when, if I had had the courage, I could have done something I really wanted to do. My lack of confidence (socially, mostly, but in other areas as well) has plagued me all my life. I didn't have real friends until junior year in high school because I was too shy to introduce myself or talk to people before they talked to me. I didn't do anything performance-wise (besides choir) until late in high school either. I doubted my abilities, my ideas, my looks, my intellect, etc. to the point where I literally spent the majority of my time in school, studying, or volunteering as an administrator for a now-huge online non-prof organization.
I'm thinking about today. I don't know exactly how I'm going to make it through this semester, let alone the next 6 or so. I'm going to be struggling...seemingly alone in the hopes that it'll all be better one day. On top of this, I still have to force myself to break away from my shy, rather meek outward personality. This is probably the worst thing I deal with from day to day. A lack of confidence in myself automatically makes everything my fault. If something doesn't work out, it's because I'm not good enough. If I get a low grade, it's because I'm not good enough. If plans fall through with a friend, it's because I'm not good enough. If I sing a run wrong, it's because I'm not good enough. Why do I think this? Good question. The only thing, I think, that keeps me sane is the fact that I know I can sing. I have a vocal talent and I have a good voice. Other than that, what have I got? I'm mediocre at theory. I suck at history. I'm decent with diction. I'm too shy to talk to the guy I like—who, as far as i know, has no idea I like him.
I'm thinking about tomorrow. I have a theory lab I'm unprepared for. I have readings to do for class. I have a job. I'm still struggling with myself personally. What the hell am I doing? Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe I'll feel renewed energy towards self-improvement. Maybe I'll have more confidence in myself. Maybe not. Who knows.
Will I ever be good enough? My damn type-A personality says no. No matter what I accomplish, I'm never going to feel like it was enough. But when I really think about what I want right now—perhaps my goals are skewed, but—I don't think about my long-term future. I don't think about singing. I don't think about composing. I don't think about being the best at something. I don't think about getting good grades, or making a good impression, or changing the world. I think about how all I want is someone to hold me and tell me they love me. And mean it in the same way I do every time I say those words.
Maybe now, after writing out my feelings, I'll be able to sleep... it's going to be a long night, I think. Goodnight.
