Grudge

No matter how hard I try, I find it utterly impossible to hold a grudge. I don't think, in the entirety of my life, that I have been able to be angry at someone for more than a day, two at the most. It comes down to whether or not I want to sleep at night. If there is anything wrong—I'm sad about something, someone upset me, I got angry at someone/something/myself, or if I'm just frustrated—I cannot sleep. It's terribly inconvenient, because it seems to happen a lot in college. Once sleep hits me, I'm dead until my alarm goes off. Getting to sleep seems to be the issue….

In relation to grudges, I either have to give up and just forgive and forget or I will spend the entire night rolling around angry at the world. Everything will be a distraction from what is generally a deep and dreamless slumber.

Sometimes, though, it really isn't fair that I can't just stay angry at someone for a while. There is a certain satisfaction gleaned from being mad at someone who knows and acknowledges that you are mad at them. How short-lived is this satisfaction if it only lasts until my head hits the pillow…. What can I do, though? I consistently wake up happy for the day, and ready for good things to transpire. I know that I have amazing friends who have never drifted from me or left my thoughts for an instant—some older, some made fewer than six months ago. It is probably this knowledge and the knowledge that at the end of the day, it will all go away and I will rest and awake joyous that keeps me from being an angry person. This is not to say that the majority of my emotions are positive, but that generally I start my day quite content. It is only the occurrences of the day that alter this state of emotions. Some people like drama where drama is clearly unneeded. It is their prerogative to disturb the balance of goodness and happiness. It must be a terribly unfortunate affliction to be one of these people….

At the end of the day, though, how can I be angry? How could I in good conscience (and for my own peace of mind) allow myself to hold any kind of angst against someone? I can't. And even if at the time I really want to just be mad, I won't. Forgive and forget… a motto to live by. It certainly allows me to smile more. People should try it more often.