I believe there is an innate desire in most people to achieve. While not everyone has the drive to better themselves, the vast majority of the people I have come across in my life (not that I have many years to boast) seem to desire to be better at something. They strive for the best grades, they practice endlessly to be the best at singing or playing the piano or playing the violin, they study constantly to insure they master the material, they inquire and research so they can have a broad knowledge base from which to pull. One can almost say it is a competition between the person and his or her peers, or, even better, between a person and his or her self.
Everyone who falls into the self-improvement category has to have a goal they intend to reach. Whether that is to be better than they are currently, or whether it is to be better than everyone around them is really a matter of personality. It is my firm belief that the broad categories of "type A" and "type B" personalities cannot possibly cover all of the mindsets of all of the people. At the same time, one can very loosely cover most people with these labels.
I, personally, fall into the "type A" category. Some days I feel as if this is an unfortunate affliction that prevents me from enjoying my life quite as much as I should. At the same time, I see it is a great thing that keeps me motivated to be successful in school and in life.
I have a constant need to feel like I'm doing something. I am somewhat of a perfectionist, so any work I do, I do with as much precision and accuracy as possible. I have a strong desire to learn about pretty much anything. I love all kinds of music and all kinds of instruments and all kinds of people because they are all interesting in their own respects.
On the other side of the "type A" spectrum, I have very low confidence in myself. And when I fail at something, I fail hard (particularly if I failed because of stupid mistakes rather than an actual lack of knowledge). A lack of knowledge I can deal with. I can learn more. I can practice more. I can study more. I can pay more attention. Stupid, careless errors, on the other hand are a product of my need for speed, pardon the expression. Since the beginning of school, I've had to change my entire mindset on practicing. "SLOW IT DOWN," I keep telling myself. And to my constant disbelief, I find that things come out so much better that way. Continuing on the previous train of thought, my low confidence puts me in a very tough position. I don't pursue many opportunities because I don't believe I could possibly be good enough to make it. It took every friend I had to convince me to try out for my first musical my Junior year in high school—my first legitimate solo performance. Fortunately, I've gained a bit more confidence in my abilities as a performer, so trying out for solos and choirs and other things is much easier. Unfortunately, this doesn't correlate to confidence in other areas. I will maintain a crush on someone for months and never do anything about it unless someone else forces me to (besides this obvious allusion to said crush). I will know an answer to a question in class and not speak up for fear of being wrong.
It's crippling in practice, and I do not recommend it.
Recently, my confidence was struck by a less-than-satisfactory grade on a Theory quiz. I don't do bad grades. That's a no-no. And yet, there it was. Besides the fact that I despise the teacher's teaching-style (TANGENTS AND BANKING), a bad grade means to me that I am not good enough. That I am less than I should be. This point-of-view SUCKS. I know it's not true, and yet I can't help feeling that way about the whole situation. Fortunately, my glorious friends, whose mere presence provides me with a comfort and joy indescribable in a blog post, are always there for me.
Whew, what a tangent! There is a point to this rather lengthy post, I promise.
The meaning of the title:
Everyone has a perception of perfection, so to speak. What I mean is, everyone looks at the world differently, and those who strive for "perfection" all view it [perfection] differently. My view of perfection is to be my own best. Unfortunately, I tend to base my best off of my peers' best, rather than comparing it to where I have come from. I'm working on it, though.
As we grow older, we will come across many, many others who will be greater than we are in many aspects. At Westminster, in particular, there is so much talent in so many people. In so many ways, I am honored to have this experience. At the same time, this raises my personal bar. I knew leaving high school that I was no longer going to be "the best." I'm not the best vocalist, I'm not the best pianist, I'm not the smartest or most driven. But I'm certainly going to try to be.
Two days ago, this was going to be a long, pathetic rant about how I suck at life and I fail at everything I try to do because I don't have the confidence to do it well. Now, gladly, this is a post about how despite my own imperfections (and my occasionally unfortunate affliction of a personality) I'm going to continue to strive to be better at everything I do. I'm also going to attempt to be more confident with everything I do. Currently, this means more assertively pursuing what I want—or more specifically, who I want. :-)
I think this is a long enough post, and I hope that anyone who actually took the time to read it got something out of it. I try to be clear in my thoughts with these things, but it's not an essay or anything, so I'm not going to go back and make sure all of my points were covered or that my logic isn't flawed. Lol.
