Baring My Soul

"To the world I can open my heart up in a second...but to someone close...it takes a while."

-- @TeensInLove on Twitter

"'How true, yes how true,' said the Sour Kangaroo."

-- Seussical, Jr.

Ok.  Done with the quotes...

This is in part based on the post I wrote before this one, Somebody.  It is also based on my life in general.  In Somebody, I basically expressed my undying love for someone who doesn't know I love him.  Even though our relationship is nothing beyond basic friendship at the moment, he makes me smile when I see him.  He makes me feel special even though that's probably not at all what he's intending to do.  It's so hard to talk to him because...well, to be cliché, he is constantly taking my breath away (I definitely stole that from either @TeensInLove or "cute texts from out of the blue").

For some reason, it wasn't difficult to write that out on my blog.  It was, at times, troublesome coming up with how I wanted to say something or how I could make my ideas flow into something readable and understandable.  But the act of writing it and clicking "Publish Post" was simple and was only mildly uncomfortable.

Why, then, is it so damned difficult to do this in person?  Why can't I just walk up to him and say, "hey.  I think you're cute.  I really like you and I think we should do dinner some time."

My theory is that it is because he matters to me.  His opinion matters to me.  His presence in my life matters to me.  While remaining "just friends" means I won't ever get more than that, it also means he'll always be there.  If I told him I like him, what if he responds negatively?  Could I deal with being just friends, knowing full well that he knows I like him?  I think so, if I'm following my own advice.  But then, what if he feels awkward around me afterward?  I potentially could cause the end of our friendship and forever more be known as "that guy who liked me."  But you, my dear readers (however few of you there are), I am not afraid of losing.  I can tell you all of my secrets.  I can tell you about every embarrassing thing I've ever done.  At the end of the day, though, none of that matters between friends.  When you're more than a friend, though... that's when it matters.  That's when I become careful and nervous.  I may constantly seem frazzled or lost because I'm thinking about how to be impressive for you...how to make you want me.

But this post isn't about him.  Although it seems like it, it's just about how easy it is to bare my soul to the world, but harder than anything else to just talk to someone already close to my soul.